Letter to No One

I'm having a really hard time of it today - & I've only been out of bed for an hr - in all honesty the deck is rather stacked against sanity today. Its cold, grey, & raining; there are other things going that add to mess but those are not things to be discussed in a public forum.

Part of me knows it will pass but - it always does - in the mean time my brain is filled with negative & hopeless thoughts. Things I'm always aware of but that my positive brain is generally able to ignore - or more successfully distract myself from - for now I'm alone in a darkened room listening to the clock ticking & watching the rain drip down the window.... it sets quiet the scene actually.

I haven't really worked in about 5 years - since I really started getting sick, but that's another story - so as you can imagine I don't have much in the way of money. You make due, & you constantly learn how to make do with less & less. You are also forced to lean on those around you. Its a horrible feeling. The last thing you want is to be a burden to those you love - which thanks to the depression you already feel like any way. They try to offer helpful advice & encouragement - "If you had a car you could..."; "If you had a job you could..."; "Everybody feels like that sometimes..."; "It's not as bad as you think".... All of which makes you want to either pull your hair out or throttle someone - but does NOT make you feel any better, more often than not it makes you feel considerably worse.

So you pull away, you don't want to ask for help, you don't want to talk or see anyone, don't want to fill their time with your pain & problems. Unfortunately this only isolates you further giving the depression a stronger, deeper hold.

It's a vicious cycle isn't it. I've circled the drain more times than I could ever begin to count. For me it first started in high school, & I can remember episodes from all stages of my life after that - although it took several years to figure out (ain't hindsight grand). By now I'm VERY familiar with the signs of depression; I can see it coming a mile away, I still have NO idea how to stop the wave from crashing into me though. Postpone it sometimes sure, ultimately though all you can do is wait for it to be over - or for some miracle to pull you to shore.

One of the biggest regrets of my illness is the damage done to my friendships. The more sick I got the more I withdrew from people. Sure I'd come back from time to time, emerge from my cave, show traces of humanity - but all in all I haven't been a very good friend. One of the reasons this is all going into my blog is that I knew i needed to get it out. I thought of the people closest too me; tried to think of the people who I felt I could talk to, only, no 1 really came to mind. They all have busy lives; families, children - something else it feels like my illness robbed me of. (If any of my close friends read this I truly hope you don't take it personal, there is NO ill will attached to the thought.) I can't bring myself to bother them - I suppose there's also the fear that I will make the effort, reach out, only to be ignored because they just don't have the time. Sending messages asking for help, knowing the message was received, & then having weeks go by with no response... kind of leaves you skittish, even if you understand the "real" reasons.

If you have or have ever experienced depression you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't there's probably nothing I can say to help you truly understand. Again I don't mean for that to be insulting but in my experience trying to explain to someone who has never lived it is like talking to a wall - only the wall can't talk back & (intentionally or not ) insult you. I've lost track of the number of times I did try to talk to someone, try to explain, try to get help... more often than not I felt worse after the attempt & decided that it was better not to try for help if that was the help I could expect.

I know they didn't mean to make it worse, didn't mean to hurt me; they thought they were helping. But knowing is only half the battle & knowing dosen't make it hurt any less.

Illness & depression are be different for everybody, some are stronger & last longer or fight harder, while others lose the fight far sooner. For me the result of years battling depression & years of illness has resulted in extreme isolation not just friends, but from the world. It finds me in a position I wish I could escape; trapped in a pitch black cave feeling, slowly, along the walls in hopes of discovering some way out. All the while trying to convince yourself not to give up searching, & wondering "how long I can last?"

I have a feeling there are a lot of people out there who can relate my story, who can relate to the sadness, the pain, the fears. Others might wonder why I would share such personal - & depressing - information; the answer is, because I know there are people out there who can relate & maybe knowing that I'm out here too will help them, even if only just a little. Maybe, by sharing, I can help them to feel less alone.